Christmas Spirit

If you die and go to hell you are sent straight to a mall to serve the public during the Christmas holiday season.  Any feelings of goodwill and faith can be shattered in just a few minutes of working in the midst of all of the "Christmas Spirit."  I witnessed mother and daughter scream fests, horrible displays of too large women wearing too small clothes, harassment and theft.  It was not pretty.  

This time of my life was a short two months managing the Lane's Christmas kiosk.  It was so bad the day after Christmas I fled all the way out to Colorado.  I call this time simply "The Kiosk."  

Sign*A*Rama, Where the World goes for Signs

Telephone:  Ring, Ring, Ring

Me:  "Thank you for calling Sign*A*Rama South Brisbane, this is Erin."  

Idiot on other end:  "Do you make signs?"  

Pause..................

Me:  "Umm, yes."  

Idiot on other end:  "How much are they?"  

There are allot of crazys out there

There are allot of crazy, weird sickos out there and if you work with the public you are bound to come in contact with a number of these characters.  Sometimes I sit and wonder how many murderers I have served peach ice cream to?  

No, I have not had a customer smile and say "thanks for that, I am just exhausted from that strangulation earlier," as I hand them their peach cobbler.  But some of these people just give you a justified set of the creeps.  

While working at Lane's one of our regular weirdos was an older man in his late 60's to early 70's.  He came in most Sundays in the afternoon.  His right eye bulged out of his head, at least twice the size of his left eye.  He was bald, grossly overweight, and had holes in his pants that would reveal that he was not wearing any underwear.  

As he entered the kitchen the stench of BO would fill the air.  He would promptly approach the counter and whatever poor unsuspecting girl behind it would have to answer the question "how much would it be to take you home Miss."  

This routine went on and on before his remarks became less and less G rated and he had to be asked to leave and never return.  

I wish I could come up with a pleasant spin on serving this niche market, but I can't.  These customers are there to keep you aware of your surroundings at all times and locking your doors and windows at night.  

Dirty Little Secrets

While working at the Wildwood Lodge in Snowmass, Colorado I had a number of interesting experiences with guests and their sometimes strange behaviors.

One of the most amusing parts of my job was the incidental charges that would sometimes come up on a guest's bill.

One thing that everyone should know when staying in a hotel, motel or resort is that the front desk staff knows when you have watched porn in your room. (In fact so does the housekeeping staff)  The charge for Finding Nemo is $9.95, the charge for Buffy the Vampire Layer is $11.12.

The other thing to keep in mind is that, yes, we can remove the charge from the bill if you pay separately.  If you do not wish to pay for it separately, no, your company will not know that the $11.12 charge was you watching Chicks with Dicks.

Pimp My Ride

I once thought that my mission in life could be to rid the southeastern United States of all of those Calvin Stickers. You know the ones; the cartoon Calvin character from Calvin and Hobbs that decorates every oversized pick-up driven by a "Bubba" or "Duane." The cartoon that has a consistently full bladder and chooses to relieve itself on the Ford/ Chevy brandname or popular Nascar racing number.

I seriously contemplated knocking off entire parking lots full of these vehicles while they sit, innocently parked, at the local Sizzler or Cafe Erotica.

This mission in life took a slight turn the other day when I was approached by a local Sudanese guy who walked into our sign shop proclaiming that he needed some cool graphics produced for his 1993 Toyota, Corolla. In an instant I realized that this car graphic outbreak was not contained to the isolated area of the Southeast but was in fact, wide-spread throughout the earth.

S-Beggs, (yes, that was his name) proceeded to request a number of slogans to be cut out of black vinyl and applied to his sweet ride. These slogans included "The taste of what it is", "Only God can Judge me", "The People's Choice", "Lil P" and my favorite "Niggaz for Life". This was all topped off with an American Indian eagle/ dream-catcher print installed to the hood of his car???

On that Friday afternoon, as I stood out in our parking lot on the other side of the earth, installing "Niggaz for Life" to the rear passenger side of S-Beggs' vehicle, I couldn't help but think.........."my parents would be so proud."

With that being said, I have to admit that we are all in-fact guilty of this type of vehicle decoration. Though not as brazen, all of those discreet G's and AU's that we all have somewhere on our cars are a form of expression. "This is my team", "this says something about me." So I guess I have to have a little bit of patience for all of those Calvins and the occasional "Niggaz for life."

The color orange

An orange man walks into a sign shop.  He approaches the receptionist and immediately asks the cost of a large sign to read "Spray Tans."  

Think George Hamilton.